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she never had eyes as bright as
cold
or song as clear as
dark
but ever into her starry skies
I withered,
drawn into abysmal depths
by the promise
of a ravaged warmth,
somewhere near the centre.

now,
at the zenith of her autumnal beauty,
I find myself lost;
her brilliant voice
in prosepoetry elegance
shall whisper "I love"
into corroded dark
and tear all of the roadblocks
forcibly
from my mind.
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student Writer
:heart: thank you!
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2012
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconpagan-poetess:
pagan-poetess Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Professional Writer
'but ever into her starry skies
I withered...'
gosh, that's beautiful :heart:

i like the line you removed from the poem.... maybe it can be used somewhere else?
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Writer
I put it back...it's still in there.
Reply
:iconpagan-poetess:
pagan-poetess Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Professional Writer
i think it works nicely with the line in there :)
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know this is an old discussion... but I like the line breaks a lot. You can add me to your line break army :D
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Writer
YUSS
Reply
:iconthelonghairedredneck:
THELONGHAIREDREDNECK Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Great piece :)
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2011  Student Writer
<3 thank you.
Reply
:iconthelonghairedredneck:
THELONGHAIREDREDNECK Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No Worries :)
Reply
:iconthecandleobra:
TheCandleobra Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011
I love the way you use words with the skill of e e cummings and
some of his styling. You expect more of words than most do and you
get it. Bravo.

Ernie
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011  Student Writer
:heart: thank you so much!
I wrote this poem a while ago, but I think it's one of my best from that time period... I think I've improved since then.
also: I love cummings. he's brilliant.
Reply
:iconthecandleobra:
TheCandleobra Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011
I love Cummings too but find
it hard to capture his power
so I have been looking for my
own. I find the best I want to
do in simplicity. My work now
is commentary to pictures I find
on line. There is almost always
a link to something someone else
did.

People seem to really like a full
bodied reaction to their work.

You are welcome to my comment.
thank you.

Ernie
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 20, 2010
I just went and read some of the comments on this.. wow, that's not cool, If you ask me. I LOVE YOUR LINE BREAKS. Poetry is about personal expression, you don't have to be like anyone else. I appreciate this just the way it is. The first stanza made me say WOW. It just.. it's like you're trying to crawl into the center of the earth, just to find a place that is warm and accepting. I definitely felt an emotional connection to this, and I don't think that you need to go and "fix" anything. Let them be critical bullies, it's just their opinion, and I, for one, love this.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner May 20, 2010  Student Writer
<3 Thank you! I have enough people to start my own line break army. ^^ Made of... four people... hmmmm.
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 20, 2010
You're more than welcome, while I was reading those comments I was getting so incredibly MAD. I will definitely be in your line-break army!! (As long as I can be a general XD.)
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner May 21, 2010  Student Writer
Of course you may. ;)
Reply
:iconlondonrey:
londonrey Featured By Owner May 21, 2010
:D
Reply
:iconblucrimson:
blucrimson Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
I really enjoyed the read :D
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010  Student Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconblucrimson:
blucrimson Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010
You're welcome!:heart:
Reply
:iconasshatbrigade:
asshatbrigade Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
I'm not sure if this is the condensed version or not, but I like your line breaks. Particularly when I was reading and got to 'dark' I really caught the importance of that word. It does merit its own line, as it sets up the metaphor.

I also like the 'somewhere near the centre' line.. it suggests exploration, like you've been around the edges, too.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010  Student Writer
The current version I have up is not the condensed version. I like my line breaks, too, and it seems they're being ambushed lately, so thanks for defending them. ;)
Reply
:iconasshatbrigade:
asshatbrigade Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
I will happily defend properly used 'strange' line breaks all day long..
some people call it vogue, I call it advancement.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010  Student Writer
I just use them to highlight words and lines that I think deserve to stand out.
Reply
:iconasshatbrigade:
asshatbrigade Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010
which is the point, really. the shorter the line, the more importance you're placing on the individual words, relative to the overall poem.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010  Student Writer
Precisely.
Reply
:iconkarlynoelleabreu:
KarlyNoelleAbreu Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You've got some great imagery here but the awkward line breaks with are oh so in vogue with poetry these days actually detract from it. This reads chopped up instead of like a stream of consciousness like it probably should.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
So, do you think I should just remove the line breaks and make it all-out prose, or just condense it, like so:
she never had eyes as bright as cold
or song as clear as dark
but ever into her starry skies I withered,
drawn into abysmal depths by the promise
of a ravaged warmth, somewhere near the centre.

now, at the zenith of her autumnal beauty,
I find myself lost;
her brilliant voice in prosepoetry elegance
shall whisper "I love" into corroded dark,
and tear all of the roadblocks forcibly from my mind.
Reply
:iconkarlynoelleabreu:
KarlyNoelleAbreu Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
No, even formatted in prose fashion, it would still read as poetry. There's more to the style of poetry than the way it is arranged, and this is definitely a poem. Condensing it like that would probably work best. Good luck with your writing!
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks for the input.
Reply
:iconkarlynoelleabreu:
KarlyNoelleAbreu Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime!
Reply
:iconpeacefulsoul:
PeacefulSoul Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
The hardest thing to do in my duty as Founder of my Group is to reject a piece of work I feel does not suit it.

This poem sounds too much like ‘Prosetry’ (not entirely poetic) with line breaks I feel were unnecessary when reading this.

There are not many romantic or love poems I accept into the Group simply because 90% of them portray the same overwritten about images that lose their power when trying to express them, like an old saying for example.

Rarely do I accept such poetry into the Group, but even if this was not on the subject of romance, this is not what we are looking for, and I am sorry.

You are still young at heart in writing, and your work needs some work, however, [I do] admire the fact you are trying.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Reply
:iconpeacefulsoul:
PeacefulSoul Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
Thank you for understanding. Keep up your writing.

Work on it as you would a stone. Before you know it, you'll break the stone.



Good day to you!
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
Or I could polish the stone and turn it into a gem... and I have officially taken the metaphor too far.
Reply
:iconpeacefulsoul:
PeacefulSoul Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
Funny, no, not too far, you can do that too.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
Do you have any specific suggestions as to make it better, or did it simply not fit in with the collection?
Reply
:iconpeacefulsoul:
PeacefulSoul Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
Let's just say it didn't fit. I'm not going to get into critiquing this piece because there's allot of work to be done here.

The only thing I can suggest is to learn from the masters, and you don't have to be too young or old to do that.

Read some William Blake poems, Robert Frost, or Emily Dickinson poems. It's how I learn(ed).

If your goal is to write some powerful work, learn from them. From my years of schooling, my teachers never taught me how to write. When you write, you have to do a little self-teaching school will not teach you.

If you ever want to rhyme almost any work for your poetry, check out this [link] and if you find a word that rhymes and you do not know what it means, use this [link]

This is the way to go if you want to get better. I hope this helps!
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks.
Reply
:iconxinsomniakydx:
xinsomniakydx Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2010  Student General Artist
Hallo My Dear.. :)
Your Work Is Really Amazing...
It Deserved To Be Here [link] :heart:

:iconteheplz: - Mia.
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2010  Student Writer
Thank you sooo much! That made me smile. :)
Reply
:iconflyhigh20:
FlyHigh20 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010
fascinating...
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010  Student Writer
thank you...
Reply
:iconflyhigh20:
FlyHigh20 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010
you're welcome
Reply
:iconkaixinlove:
kaixinlove Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010  Student General Artist
Love it and it does flow nicely. I also think that the line you eliminated fits and you shouldn't have done that. Put it back. The feeling of the poem is amazing over all it is wonderful
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010  Student Writer
I did. <3
Reply
:iconphoebeplupp:
phoebeplupp Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
i think it actually fits. if you break the poem in two, and start a new stanza with "now".

i love the similies "bright as cold" "clear as dark", as well as the tearing down of roadblocks -really powerful image.
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