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Submitted on
January 21
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there's something enchanting about
the 1 AM light,
the way the chill draws a soul
out of every breath,

the heavy air
laden with witchcraft.

there's a kind of magic
in the snow's white fingers,
abstract and pristine,

the soft steady charm
of their slight caresses,
their sleight of hand.

there's something about a night like this
that has you convinced
the world is holding its breath,

and when it releases it, the cold
will pull strange voodoo
out of its mouth, too.
I wrote this for my poetry workshop prompt (snow) and in about a week I have to let a bunch of people read it and talk about it. yikes.
if anyone has any critiques before that happens, that'd be great. :heart:
specifically: the "world holding its breath" thing has been DONE to death, but is the context original enough to get away with it? is there a way I can reword it?
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:iconmr-timeshadow:
Mr-Timeshadow Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014
Yeah, it is kind of overdone, but that's because most of us agree that is a near-universal observation. I have had to travel at 3am, and stand around on otherwise empty college campuses at odd hours, freezing to death in my dressy garb. The buildings seem either to hold their breaths or to catnap. You know how only the most relaxed cat actually sleeps without instantly waking when they hear you near? That's how the buildings feel late at night: they sleep only to lull you and wait for the moment when they respond. Sandman has a great story in the volume World's End. Someone says all cities sleep, and may even dream. He doesn't fear sleeping cities; only that they might someday wake...
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like "the world is holding its breath" line; whether it gets done often or not, it's perfectly fitting here. It feels right.
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Student Writer
:heart: thanks.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Student Writer
:heart:
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:iconhomunculus888:
homunculus888 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely.

What about:

the world's holding its breath,

but when released, the cold
will pull strange voodoo
from its mouth, too.


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:iconbelcanto2:
belcanto2 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014
You want formal critique - or will a suggestion or two in comments suffice?
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Student Writer
either.
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:iconbelcanto2:
belcanto2 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014
Ok.  Like this.  It's effective, with some imaginative and pleasing imagery.

But, for your consideration: 

Taking in the title, ending, and tone of this piece, am wondering about the choice of the words 'enchanting', 'caressing' and 'charm'.  Something slightly more eerie, neck hair raising/prickling perhaps?  Use of words more along the lines of suspend, mesmerize, mysterious, lure etc... although I can see you have some good alliteration and assonance going on.

 Also, perhaps remove [ ] the following:

[there's] a kind of magic

 [there's something about] a night like this
[that] has you convinced
the world is holding its breath,

and when it releases it, the cold
will pull strange voodoo
out of its mouth[, too].

Haven't thought of any alternative to the world holding its breath.  As yet.  :D (Big Grin) 
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2014  Student Writer
:heart: thanks!
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