literature

Vienna

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toxic-nebulae's avatar
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Literature Text

their dead never crowded
my mind;
I never lurched beneath
the weight of
too many bones
that were not mine:

rather, a kind
of hesitant symmetry
began to overtake
the place,
to invade the narrow crevices
where, previously,
a doubt had been.


I've been wrong,
all this time:
they are not laying siege.
they are waiting for
the inexorable pull of entropy
to break me

just enough
Suleiman need not bother with my mind
© 2010 - 2024 toxic-nebulae
Comments41
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londonrey's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

their dead never crowded my
mind,

Right away you capture your reader's attention, Vienna's dead, maybe? Also, you say "crowded which makes us wonder if they don't crowd anymore, or if maybe this is from the perspective of a dead person.


I never lurched beneath
the weight of too
many bones

A lovely continuation of the feeling in the first phrase. I like that you use the word "lurch."

that were not mine;
This section is wonderful. This line adds depth to the previous phrases.

rather, a fearful kind
of hesitant symmetry
began to
overtake the place,
to invade
the narrow crevices
where, previously,
a doubt
had been.

The tone changes here slightly, in an interesting way that pulls you in. It gives us a bit more story. The only thing that isn't entirely clear is what these crevices are. There's no more doubt in this place, alright. I just feel like maybe this section leaves just a bit too much to the imagination.



I've been wrong,
all this time:
they are not laying siege,
they are waiting for
the inexorable pull of
entropy
to break me
just enough

This adds to the feeling that maybe the narrator is dead. These bodies are being patient.. I really like this ending. (: The italics are a nice touch.

Overall this is delicately worded and lovely.