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Literature Text
you keep secrets like souvenirs.
your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs, a pair of dusty
snow globes; I trace
a model Eiffel Tower
in the lines of your neck, an Arc
de Triomphe in the arch
of your back, a collection of
portraits
to rival the Louvre
assembled behind your eyes.
I gather each glimpse,
each fragment, every hint
of the things you've tried to hide
and hoard them
in the galleries of my mind,
curating my love for you
like a dense, Orphic art.
your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs, a pair of dusty
snow globes; I trace
a model Eiffel Tower
in the lines of your neck, an Arc
de Triomphe in the arch
of your back, a collection of
portraits
to rival the Louvre
assembled behind your eyes.
I gather each glimpse,
each fragment, every hint
of the things you've tried to hide
and hoard them
in the galleries of my mind,
curating my love for you
like a dense, Orphic art.
Literature
astronomers
when we're together
dusk is containable; the moon in my palms
and the stars on your ceiling.
we lull the city to sleep
with our theories of life; my tongue curling
into speech.
do you remember,
when Jupiter was a silver wick, lighting its countless moons?
that night,
you balanced a cigarette off your lips,
and I watched the vermillion flame burn life
as a newborn sun;
stars forming,
planets moulding and constellations snaked
above our eyes.
i imagined
what it would be like to be curled
inside the embers – creator and destroyer
of worlds,
so close to your lips.
Literature
Asphodel
A beckoning:
watercolour sky shrinking,
too late, teeth fall; pearls
from a broken string.
Blink and the moon ignites—
but the sheets are still
envelope-stiff.
Literature
Revenant
they came like phantoms;
oceanic whispers left me washed out.
those gossamer ghosts that lined
the doorways-- eyes in a constant
state of surprise as they reached for me:
needle fingers pricked, fueling
my addictions. they ached
for my veins, entangled like
the strings of my paper heart
and they stained my skin,
amethyst bruises in the shape
of recognition.
their breaths were the heavy hums
of a forgotten lullaby "one day you
will leave, and you will fade into a
virulent void, like us. you will warm
our icy bones, and we will love you,
like no one else can.
go back to sleep, little girl, we will
come again" with their cer
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I really like the idea for this one, but I have a couple of misgivings: first of all, I sort of switched from the "souvenir" theme to the "France" theme when I didn't qualify that the Arc de Triomphe was a picture or a miniature or some other keepsake. Was this obvious? Is it a seamless transition, or should I rewrite that bit?
Also, are the line breaks effective in establishing rhythm and keeping the poem interesting, or are they distracting?
Comments and critiques will make me love you forever.
Also, are the line breaks effective in establishing rhythm and keeping the poem interesting, or are they distracting?
Comments and critiques will make me love you forever.
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Comments58
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactHey there!
Prettyflour here on behalf of <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Lick)"/>oeticalCondition: with the critique you requested.I'd like to start by answering your questions. Are the line breaks effective in establishing rhythm and keeping the poem interesting, or are they distracting?
I believe they are effective. You kept a nice flow throughout the poem. The rhythm is good. You get a thumbs up from me.
Was this obvious? Is it a seamless transition, or should I rewrite that bit?
When reading, I thought that that the references to Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel Tower, and Louvre certainly pointed to France, but the way you used the words made me think that you saw these things when you looked at your partner. Perhaps you experienced France with him, and to just look at him would bring back memories of your time together? Perhaps your mementos remind you of a person and place?
Either way, I quite enjoyed this. You told a story, the way you used places in France translated very well into something emotional and deep. Overall, I think you've done a very nice job with this.
Keep up the great work!