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Submitted on
October 9, 2012
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you keep secrets like souvenirs.

your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs, a pair of dusty
snow globes; I trace

a model Eiffel Tower
in the lines of your neck, an Arc
de Triomphe in the arch
of your back, a collection of
portraits

to rival the Louvre
assembled behind your eyes.

I gather each glimpse,
each fragment, every hint
of the things you've tried to hide

and hoard them
in the galleries of my mind,
curating my love for you
like a dense, Orphic art.
I really like the idea for this one, but I have a couple of misgivings: first of all, I sort of switched from the "souvenir" theme to the "France" theme when I didn't qualify that the Arc de Triomphe was a picture or a miniature or some other keepsake. Was this obvious? Is it a seamless transition, or should I rewrite that bit?
Also, are the line breaks effective in establishing rhythm and keeping the poem interesting, or are they distracting?
Comments and critiques will make me love you forever.
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:iconvespera:
I'm going to critique this on a grammar standpoint :) Because this is so lovely!


you keep secrets like souvenirs.

your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs, a pair of dusty <-1
snow globes: I can see <-2

a model Eiffel Tower
in the lines of your neck, the Arc
de Triomphe in the arch
of your back, a collection of
portraits

to rival the L'Oeuvre
assembled behind your eyes. <-3

I count each glimpse,
each fragment, every hint
of the things you think I can't see <-2

and hoard them
in the corridors of my mind,
curating my love for you
like a dense, Orphic art.


1. you need a comma or a colon here. technically, probably a colon, but I wouldn't recommend that for this piece. that or you can add in, "is" - again, I wouldn't recommend that.

2. you use "I see" later - and "see" is a weak verb. doesn't have a lot of impact. also, with the colon before "a model Eiffel Tower..." you are describing the snow globes. you do not need to say "I can see". I would just nix that right out.

3. I just wanted to point out right here how sexy your parallelism is. represent. ;)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthelunardragon:
Critique by TheLunarDragon Feb 9, 2013, 5:33:47 PM
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

Vision: 5/5

The direction of the poem was clear and precise, I really have nothing else to say in this section, well done.

Originality: 3.5/5

This is more a reflection of this subject matter, not your ability as a writer. I personally find love poems to be a bit stale, but that doesn't at all mean it is a bad quality poem.

Technique: 2/5

The reason I gave such a low rating here is because I noticed a few unnecessary spaces in this poem. For example, instead of using commas, I suggest bringing the line down one. I will rewrite the poem to explain where you spaced things oddly (also not that bringing a line down, tends to indicate a pause in most peoples minds, so your lines actually look like)


"I trace -pause-
a model eiffel tower -pause-
in the lines of your neck -pause indicated by comma- an Arc -pause-
de triumph in the arch -pause-
of your back -pause-"

and so on. It really disprupts the flow of the poem.

Personally I would writ the poem like this'

"You keep secrets like souvenirs.
Your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs a pair of dusty snow globes.
I traces a model Eiffel Tower in the lines of your neck.
An arch de Triumphe in the Arch of your back,
a collection of portraits,
to rival the Louvre assembled behind your eyes"

by taking out all of the perceived awkward pauses, the poem flows much much better.

Impact: 5/5

As I said before, the message of this poem is clear and it is a good one, and I think the message will resonate well with most of your readers. I particularly liked the part about tracing the Eiffel tower. I felt it, it gave me chills. Great overall piece, just work on your structure a bit and you will be good to go! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student General Artist
As to your question on the change of tact, I think it works beautifully it's seamless and seems to have sincerity to it. I can visualize the relationship between these two people, and her love for him works exactly the way it's written; small and trivial growing into monumental and consuming her life.

I think the line breaks really help with this as well, it's a poem and works as a poem but it's a series of moments exhaled, rather than a studied sculpted moment, and I think that's perfect for the theme.
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student Writer
:heart: thank you so much.
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:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Student General Artist
You are most welcome.
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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is beyond lovely. i would keep it just as it is. (:
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student Writer
:heart: thank you!
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:icontiajones:
tiajones Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
of course <3
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Writer
This was beautifully translated. I completely got the miniature keepsake feeling. I loved the flow of this poem. Brilliant work, as always!
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:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Writer
:heart: thank you!
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Writer
Welcome!
Reply
:iconcaptain-blackheart:
Captain-BlackHeart Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
;)
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