Sta.sh
you keep secrets like souvenirs.
your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs, a pair of dusty
snow globes; I trace
a model Eiffel Tower
in the lines of your neck, an Arc
de Triomphe in the arch
of your back, a collection of
portraits
to rival the Louvre
assembled behind your eyes.
I gather each glimpse,
each fragment, every hint
of the things you've tried to hide
and hoard them
in the galleries of my mind,
curating my love for you
like a dense, Orphic art.
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thank you so much.
Prettyflour here on behalf of
I'd like to start by answering your questions. Are the line breaks effective in establishing rhythm and keeping the poem interesting, or are they distracting?
I believe they are effective. You kept a nice flow throughout the poem. The rhythm is good. You get a thumbs up from me.
Was this obvious? Is it a seamless transition, or should I rewrite that bit?
When reading, I thought that that the references to Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel Tower, and Louvre certainly pointed to France, but the way you used the words made me think that you saw these things when you looked at your partner. Perhaps you experienced France with him, and to just look at him would bring back memories of your time together? Perhaps your mementos remind you of a person and place?
Either way, I quite enjoyed this. You told a story, the way you used places in France translated very well into something emotional and deep. Overall, I think you've done a very nice job with this.
Keep up the great work!
Vision: 5/5
The direction of the poem was clear and precise, I really have nothing else to say in this section, well done.
Originality: 3.5/5
This is more a reflection of this subject matter, not your ability as a writer. I personally find love poems to be a bit stale, but that doesn't at all mean it is a bad quality poem.
Technique: 2/5
The reason I gave such a low rating here is because I noticed a few unnecessary spaces in this poem. For example, instead of using commas, I suggest bringing the line down one. I will rewrite the poem to explain where you spaced things oddly (also not that bringing a line down, tends to indicate a pause in most peoples minds, so your lines actually look like)
"I trace -pause-
a model eiffel tower -pause-
in the lines of your neck -pause indicated by comma- an Arc -pause-
de triumph in the arch -pause-
of your back -pause-"
and so on. It really disprupts the flow of the poem.
Personally I would writ the poem like this'
"You keep secrets like souvenirs.
Your heart is a postage stamp,
your lungs a pair of dusty snow globes.
I traces a model Eiffel Tower in the lines of your neck.
An arch de Triumphe in the Arch of your back,
a collection of portraits,
to rival the Louvre assembled behind your eyes"
by taking out all of the perceived awkward pauses, the poem flows much much better.
Impact: 5/5
As I said before, the message of this poem is clear and it is a good one, and I think the message will resonate well with most of your readers. I particularly liked the part about tracing the Eiffel tower. I felt it, it gave me chills. Great overall piece, just work on your structure a bit and you will be good to go!
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